CONGRATULATIONS to Charisma & Jonathan! We are looking forward to meeting this little one in January! Praying for a healthy and smooth pregnancy, enjoy every little craving, puking, scary, fun, exciting, what in the world are we doing, my clothes don’t fit, sleeping a lot moments!!! Leah will be the BIG cousin- how scary is that?? So happy for you both!!

Hallelujah for little A’s mom signing off on paperwork and this little man getting one step closer to being part of Chad & Ally’s family!  I can’t imagine how hard that decision had to be, but very thankful she signed the paperwork, and God gave her the strength and courage to do the right thing for her child. May God continue to bless this process so everything can be finalized soon!!

A few Leah-isms …
“Look at all the rocks!” when passing the cemetery, and then when I asked her out of curiosity what she thought they were, she said  “Look at that tree, it has leaves, but no bananas”  It was a maple tree.
Taking care of daddy’s boo boos, by stroking his nose and cuddling him- adorable.
Tucking us in after dinner, telling us to go to bed, shushing us.
Camping out in the backyard… success!!!

I want to preface this with I don’t like to publicize financial stuff or medical information, but if this helps someone else it’s worth it. Also, I am not complaining, it’s worth every penny and every frustration. Anyway, here’s some info in case anyone else out there is trying to google “cost of fertility workup”  “cost of infertility tests” “genetic tests”. Especially since insurance doesn’t cover anything coded “infertility”. Our insurance has been good so far, our doctor has been coding everything right (recurrent loss investigation) so it’s been covered, thank you God!  Thought I’d put this out there just case it helps anyone else out who’s out there on this crazy journey….

Here’s the breakdown, listed by type of test and PRE insurance kicking in cost. I listed PRE insurance so people can run their calculations based off their coverage.

First round of testing done last year…
Blood tests (Lab-Blood Clot Factor Viii, Lab-Viper Venom Time, Lab-Automated Hemogram, Lab-Blood Clot Inhibitor, Lab-Blood Clot Inhibitor, Lab-Cardiolipin Antibody, Lab-Molecular Diagnostics, Lab-Genetic Examination) $2,551.00

This year’s tests… 
Each Blood draw (HCG levels)  $189
Each Ultrasound $163
Specialist office initial consult $750
Subsequent specialist office visit $120
Diabetes fasting blood test and additional estraidol and FSH level testing $584
Genetic screening Luke (Lab-Tissue Culture-Lymphocyte and Chromosome Count 15-20) $1606
Genetic screening and additional blood work Hannah (Bilirubin, Lab-Study Phosphorus, Comprehensive Metabolic Panel, Lab-Antithrombin, III, Lab-Microsomal Antibody,Lab-Thyroglobulin Antibody, Lab-Thyroid Stim Hormone-, Lab-Study For Prolactin Levels, Lab-Tissue Culture-Lymphocyte, Chromosome Count 15-20 Cs) $2844
Hysterosonogram (saline test) $925
Uterine polyp removal surgery  TBD

Drug costs:
Progesterone $4 (covered by insurance), for a two month supply
Metformin (generic) $6 (covered by insurance) for a ninety day supply
Foltx (generic) $61.62 (NOT covered by insurance) for a ninety day supply
Clomid (generic) $144 (NOT covered by insurance) for a ninety day supply
Lovenox approx $900 (covered by insurance) for a one month supply- Will not be using ongoing, has no proven benefits for my clotting issues!!!

Seriously, I adore these songs….  come across much more depressing in print. Much more beautiful when sung

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you’d gone
And let the world spin madly on

Everything that I said I’d do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I’m standing still

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on

I thought of you and where you’d gone
And the world spins madly on.

and….

Scattered shadows on a wall, you watch the long light fall
Some impressions stay and some will fade
Tattered shoes outside your door, clothes all on the floor
Your life feels like the morning after all year long.

Every day it starts again
You cannot say if you’re happy
You keep trying to be
Try harder, maybe this is not your year.

Movies, TV screens reflect just what you expected
There’s a world of shiny people somewhere else
Out there following their bliss
Living easy, getting kissed
While you wonder what else you’re doing wrong

Breathe through it, write a list of desires
Make a toast, make a wish, slash some tires
Paint a heart repeating, beating “don’t give up, don’t give up, don’t give up.”

-The Weepies -

Here are some pictures of the Fourth of July. I know I’m just supposed to pause and capture these memories in my mind, but it was just too precious NOT to go get the camera to capture this. Leah and Jordan sillouetted in the window, with Jordan being the big cousin, Leah talking about her family she could see in the window, and me crammed by the kitty litter boxes taking photos in the dark.  And yes, beah is wearing a tutu, why not? It was a celebration after all!

First off, I have facebook. Luke does not. Smart man. I love it in that I have re-connected with some old friends, met some new people, and keep in touch with a lot of friends through it. I hate it in that it seems to have replaced phone calls, email, blogs, and common sense. It also is like scrapbooking and drunk dialing combined. People either have “perfect” lives, or they use it as therapy to spew out stupid details of their life. I am abstaining from facebook because either extreme is driving me nuts right now and is not helpful. I still check in occasionally, but it just got to the point where it wasn’t healthy for me in a lot of ways. So I’m trying to blog more. Not that it isn’t any more private!

Here is some self indulgent thoughts (after I came off a facebook theraphy rant, I know!) advice and other things about loss.  I say self indulgent because it is at times consuming to walk through this, and some days are more of a battle than others. It is something I am learning to lay at the foot of the cross, but keep picking up even though I know better.

“It’s like a phantom limb, a love for those who do not exist”.   I came across this quote and it made so much sense! We mourn the unknown, and it’s always there, but not at the same time.

Just because you have one child, it does not lessen the loss of another. It seems to intensify it- we know what we are missing in a different way.

If you ever have to help a friend through this, just hug them and listen. It’s an invisible loss, yet ever present. Words are helpful, but it’s hard to know what to say. Just hold us and let us be weak at times.

We truly rejoice in each friend’s pregnancy and new joy!  It might be hard on the inside sometimes, but we are truly thankful and grateful for the blessings others have. I have been on both sides of the fence, and know how awkward it can be to both parties, but am thankful for the friends who have allowed us to share in their journeys whether to comfort them, to rejoice with them, or to have them comfort us or rejoice with us.

Movies that I think really sensitively deal with pregnancy, loss, infertility, which can be glossed over really easily cinematically. Each of these movies deals with the topic with a raw sensitivity and understanding which I respect immensely:  Away We Go, Up,  and Juno.  The couple in Away We Go (I think the couple they meet up with in Portland) shows the sheer rawness of loss in such a true way. Up, it’s a kid’s movie, but honestly, the scene of his wife sitting there in the wind breaks my heart every time. It speaks volumes.  Juno, the sensitivity they show in Jennifer Garner’s character when dealing with unintentionally hurtful off handed comments and her tentative hope is really beautiful.

That’s all for now.

Here are a few of my favorite things…

Steak on the grill with asparagus.  Dinner on the deck, chatting late into the night.

Finger painting and watercolors.
 

Farmers market bounty.

Special music, aka church at home.

Sweet babies with punk rock hair.  Welcome to the world Lynnsey, congrats Joe & SB and big sister Jilli!

Working on a project. A stubborn project. Pictures of the bath to come soon. Caulk, epoxy spray and incorrect paint colors- you will be defeated!!

Jammie walks. Binky. Bunny. Bathed Beah. Win all around.

Let’s work backwards…

June 3, 2010  Ten years!  Take that all you doubters! Happy anniversary to us!
We went away to the Inn at Walden in Aurora, which is absolutely AMAZING!! It’s where we went on our wedding night, so it was cool to revisit where we began. Every time we plan our dream house, we think of this place, it is absolutely gorgeous!!! We had a different, incredible suite this time, and a similar “problem”- on our wedding night stay, the in room whirlpool tub had no hot water, this time, the air jet tub was completely broken (but we did have hot water)….. the only disappointing thing, BUT they comped our night AND gave us a spa gift certificate!!!  The only thing better than the most amazing hotel is a free night there!  It really is an amazing place, and I would definitely visit again in a heartbeat. It’s gorgeous, the staff is awesome (Happy anniversary Mrs. Andrews at every turn in the hallway), and they make you feel like a movie star. We never saw another person except for in the spa, where some amazingly rich woman was there for her weekly 1pm standing appointment… sigh, what a life :)  We also went up to the Cleveland Museum of Art, which is gorgeous, and I’m so excited for it to be done in the next few years. Everything was properly lit, cleaned up, and there were some wonderful new pieces.
June 2, 2010   A very interesting visit to RGI, which gave us some hope and some medical bills I’m sure! Lunch at Crave in Akron (mmmmm…. steak wraps!) Marking the end of my gluten binges, trying to go gluten free!

May 25, 2010 Our crazy monkey turned TWO!  I took the day off work and went to the Cleveland Zoo with the Beah and Luke, had ice cream, walked 8,000 miles in 85 degree Ohio heat, saw dinosaurs, monkeys, giraffes, and ducks.  We had her friend party in the park that Saturday, and tried to count the children and watch them run in circles around us and one another in the heat. The family party was Sunday and she got her tricycle, bubble mower, ice cream cake, play dough, house, and family time in. Miss Beah, I love you more than Saturday morning snuggles, singing your ABCs at the top of your lungs in Marcs, dinosaur train, dancing with your ribbons, chalk, sandbox, playdough, pickles, soup, and all your other favorites multiplied by a million!

May 25, 2010  Our last day at our wonderful church which we will miss immensely. We parted on good terms and did our best to maintain our testimonies throughout the process. We left for good/ right reasons, but it’s still hard. We were there for over 12 years, and literally grew up as people, as a couple, as friends, as parents, as youth leaders with our “family”.  We left over a doctrinal issue and the roads it could lead to so I am confident as to where we stand, but I still do love all the people and kids there that we ministered with and to. I hope that we can somehow through all this be an example of taking a stand, which is something I hope we were able to teach the youth group after almost 10 years of working with them. We did not leave you, we are still here for anything and everything.  The men’s advance and women’s advance were about the battle this year, and this was a battle we have chosen to take a stand in.

May 13, 2010  Luke turned 31. Haha. Apparently that is the day he signed up for the “old man app” on his phone I just noticed– seriously, a flood alert warning?  Next thing I know he’ll have the weather radio under his pillow.

April 24, 2010   A wonderful day in that it was the final day of the men’s retreat, months of study about learning about how to fight the good fight, and a horrible day in that we had our third miscarriage. We were “prepared”, as the doctor said it was not “normal” from the beginning, and we knew we had no heartbeat by eight weeks, but it still completely sucks.  From four weeks on, we had blood tests and ultrasounds, lovenox shots, prayers and worries, and we didn’t breathe for about a month as we were held in limbo not knowing if things would turn out okay. I think we are doing  as good as we can, there are good days and bad, but we’ve been walking forward, figuring out the next steps (looking into adoption/ foster options, and the genetic and medical testing at RGI on June 2nd), seeing what God has in store for us next, while marveling at the miracle He has given us every day.  She truly is our wild card baby, our miracle girlie :)  People wonder why or how we can go through this so many times, or put ourselves out there again, but every time I look at her, I remember she is a blessing, a miracle, and shows that whatever heartache we’ve gone through or will go through has a wonderful ending worth every bit. Still doesn’t make it easy, but gives us a beautiful perspective.

So, that’s it for now, I really hope that I can post more often, but I’m honestly not sure who reads this anymore, with facebook and all, but I thought I should update more than once every six months.  

we’re still here, just busy and tired. hope to post again soon. here’s a pic of the beah…. for those who need a fix.

things are good, we’re working, growing, falling down, getting up, learning,  more deep thoughts later when it’s not late and LOST is finally back on!

well, we’ve had fun this week (despite a yucky cold on everyone’s part) just hanging out, running errands, playing while mommy cleans the basement, dinner and playing with little billy, shopping with grandma, and just enjoying being together. oh yeah, and we had pancakes or waffles every day. amazing :)  here are a few favorites from this week.

Here’s the new goobery smile…

Callie getting loved, aka smacked by Leah:

Watching the trash men suck up the leaves in the leaf truck:

Shopping with Grandma in my fancy dress, fake pearls and new shoes!

Checking out jewelry at Gymboree while mom spent gift cards

Check out this, which is what I’m trying to do every day….   (the 11/3 post if it doesn’t link right)

Week off work, yippee! Organize the basement for winter playtime (yep, I’m a cleaning dork!)

Books I’m working through, very good:  Under Pressure (Carl Honore), Living Beyond Yourself workbook (Beth Moore).

CD I’m absolutely adoring right now: You are My Little Flower (Elizabeth Mitchell), really how can you not adore a CD with lyrics like this????

“I’m a little baby one day old
I’m a little sweet thing two days old
I’m a little doodlebug 3 days old
I’m a little cutie pie 4 days old”

Oh yeah, and it’s about 65 degrees out and our windows are opening and sunshine is pouring in. How about that for November 8th in OHIO???